no, i'm not on writing sabbatical

As I write, I sit in an apartment where the carpet desperately needs to be vacuumed. And tomorrow morning, I'll wake up, take a shower, and use a towel that's been used a few too many days in a row because I haven't done laundry in a few weeks. I suppose instead of writing I could return a few phone calls, but writing can sometimes be my sanity in the midst of a "need to do" list. Tomorrow is a day for productivity...

For all of those eagerly anticipating the end of my dating series...it will come soon. I'm feeling rather uninspired to write any longer about that topic, so instead of trying to force it, I'll just wait and ask you to be patient.

There's something that's been weighing on my mind as of late. Maybe this comes with working at a church, but suddenly I find myself with a great sense of urgency to make God known to those who do not have the hope and joy in Christ. Now, before one declares my desires as righteous or holy, I must confess to you...I'm doing very little about it. And therein lies the problem. The reason I feel anxiety. The reason why my mind has very little peace at night.

And it's crazy, because I spend 40+ hours a week in a cubicle with the primary goal of connecting 20-somethings to Jesus and His Church. So when I say "I'm doing very little about it", I don't mean as though I am lazy or apathetic, although I've fought those battles before. What I mean is that I desperately need to reevaluate my motivation.

Last night, in the silence of a moment with God, He spoke to me about my heart. And it was made clear to me that most of my energy has been put into answering the question, "How am I sharing the Gospel?" The problem is that this approach still is "me"-centered--it focuses on the whens and the wheres and the hows. It's beneficial to evaluate effective methods for teaching others about the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ; but I've developed a habit of asking myself that question and being satisfied in my own abilities to communicate rather than being focused on what really matters.

What really matters is people receiving the Gospel. God has already made known, through His Word, that the knowledge of His glory will fill the earth by HIS doing, not mine. Sometimes I wonder if, internally, I celebrate more in the act of sharing the Gospel than I do when a brother or sister comes to believe the Gospel. If so, I'm putting more faith in my words than God's. I spend time obsessing over things that are out of my control, and very little time praying that seeds would be planted and grow in the hearts of those that have been opened by God. I'm limiting myself for the sake of my own glory instead of living in freedom that the Spirit has given me undeservingly.

For those that find themselves in my situation--that are more concerned with how they are sharing rather than people receiving--I challenge you with this final thought. If we truly lived as Christ has commanded to, we wouldn't categorize some experiences into "opportunities where we were able to share the Gospel." Because the truth is that we are to be sharing the Gospel at ALL times. For me, this means that I need to listen with the intent of celebrating--the arrival of joy, the forgiveness of sin, the victory over a trial.