I may have set myself up for failure on this one. Typically, I write about things I feel as though I have a good grasp on. But I can't say as though I'm anywhere near being an expert on this next entry. However, I feel as though this topic is important, and I've already built up anticipation by telling you that I'd be writing about it. So, for the sake of honesty and vulnerability, here are my humble thoughts.
It is a great challenge to learn how to have a healthy dating relationship. It is another great(er--at times) challenge to learn how to have healthy friendships with those of the opposite sex. And how you conduct yourself in friendships with the opposite sex matters. Most of these entries are based off the different roles God has given men and women--this one is devoted to the same calling that has been placed on both genders: to be people of integrity and high character. This is what marks true biblical manhood and womanhood.
I'm not going to tell you whether "guys and girls CAN be friends" or "guys and girls CAN'T be friends." Here's what I will tell you: sometimes it's easy to fool ourselves. Sometimes it's easy to think that we are fooling others. Either way, we're just being foolish. The following list was made in an effort to promote wise living:
Six warning signs that you aren't "just friends":
1. If you are waiting for time to change your relationship.
Someone isn't "just friends" with someone else if they are secretly wishing that the person they are "just friends" with will someday want to be more than "just friends." I'm all for building dating relationships on the foundation of a solid friendship, but I also know that it's easy to cling to rather insignificant "signs" that keep your hopes up while the other person doesn't even realize what they are doing.
2. If you haven't had a conversation about the state of your friendship/relationship/friend-lationship(?).
Obviously, the best resource you have in helping define the state of your relationship is the other person involved--not your best friend or nosy co-worker. The healthiest thing you can do for yourself is ask for clarification, even if it may be awkward; because without it, you have nothing to go on (let's face it, your best friend will tell you exactly what you want to hear, which doesn't make he/she a very reliable source). And after the conversation, make sure your actions dictate the verdict...easier said than done in some cases.
3. If you can't be friends with their significant other.
If the person you are "just friends" is, or starts, dating someone else, it's a true test of your "just friend"-ness. If you can't befriend the person your friend is dating, then there's going to be a problem...and you probably weren't "just friends" with them in the first place.
4. If the sheer number of your friends of the opposite sex outweighs your friends of the same sex.
You know what I've always found interesting? There's a lot of guys who claim, "I have always been better friends with girls." And there's a lot of girls who claim, "I just relate better to guys." Uh...anyone else see a problem with this? I'm going to make a bold statement by saying that a lot of young people who claim this find their security in these relationships. "Not liking drama" is not a reason for girls to have very few friends of the same sex--according to the popularity of the above statement, there's other girls who feel the very same way. And feeling like you can "be more open" with girls does not give guys an excuse to put no effort in building up friendships with other men.
5. If the information you disclose is not equivalent to your other friendships.
I'm mainly talking to my girls on this one, because women tend to manipulate words to gain emotional comfort. Examine what your motivations are in sharing what you do with your guy friends. If you can't, or don't take the effort to, share the same with another girl, it's probably not appropriate. And guys--knowing that girls have a tendency to do this, do your best to guard yourself against these situations.
6. If you've dated them.
No explanation needed. If you've attempted it, you know what I'm talking about. If you haven't, just take our word for it.
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9 comments:
I agree!
& Incubus is amazing!
I agree with this, but I don't see how #4 relates. I'm on the opposite end of the issue; so many of my friends are guys that it may actually be unhealthy. Regardless, how does the gender of a majority of one's friends affect the romantic involvement of a particular friendship? I have seen how this can cause problems, but not in relation to this issue - aside from an above adverage rate of 'DTR' conversations.
Hmm...you are the first person to ask a question/start a discussion on my blog--so congratulations, first of all!
You make a good point--the opposite extreme of #4 is not good as well. Honestly, I could have wrote a whole post on each individual point, but I've made a commitment to not be too lengthy on here. Which I am probably about ready to violate with this comment...oh well!
Anyway, back to your question. Unlike the other 5 points, #4 can't be applied to an individual person. That does make it unique to relating to this subject matter.
However, I think this is what I was going for with the post as a whole--despite the facade people put on by using the term "just friends", there's still something deeper going on that needs to be addressed in order to live with integrity.
You can claim that all of those friends of the opposite sex are "just friends", but the truth is, they probably aren't. Even if they aren't "romantic" interests, they often times are used to find false security. Also worthy to note--living out #4 sets you up for a rather complicated situation when you start dating someone and realize you have to drop a lot of your opposite sex relationships because of the degree of closeness (proving that maybe they weren't all "just friends"). I suppose in that case, #4 is most relatable to the subject matter when combined with #5 and maybe #2.
Wow, I feel like I'm writing about a scientific theory or something! Anyway, you've helped me acknowledge that #4 probably has a deeper issue behind it that should be expounded upon outside this context as well.
Well said. I think there is something deeper going on there. The point about having to back-off of opposite gender relationships once one finds themselves dating is very observant of you. I've seen that happen, and done that to some extent, but never put the two together.
I think that many times having many close relationships with the opposite gender can come out of insecurity. The rational is 'If I can't date someone then I'll be friends with several girls/guys. I don't have to fear rejection as much, I don't have to work at the relationship, and I don't have to worry about them breaking up with me when say or do something stupid.' (which is a personal fear of mine since I'm always saying or doing something stupid)
It is as if the bonds of friendship are stronger than the bonds of love, attraction, and affection. But that's just what we tell ourselves. Perhaps it's because we know that the bonds of a healthy dating relationship are stronger than friendship, but we see both ourselves and others as too weak for a relationship like that. So, what it comes down to is we don't trust others or ourselves; so let's just be friends.
Glad I could start some discussion. Maybe someone else has an opinion.
My thoughts on #4 ...
It's ironic that some people (mainly girls) violate #4 because they don't like the drama being friends with girls brings. It's interesting that these people usually get themselves into more (or at least just as much) drama as they would with girls, only it's much more complicated because guys and girls will naturally start to like each other (in most cases) if all things are equal. Then you have guy friends that like you, but you don't like (or vice versa), which makes the continuation of the friendship nearly impossible. Girls might be catty and difficult to deal with at times (or so I hear), but any girl that isolates herself from friendship with girls in favor of a majority of friendships with guys is setting herself up for a headache.
And dudes might be insensitive and ego-driven, but at least they won't start liking you or get mad that you don't hang out enough. Dudes rule.
Wow- I read your blog for the first time today because I saw the teaser on facebook and couldn't resist seeing what you had to say. And it was good. I struggle with this (as I'm sure a lot of people do) and it was eye-opening.
Another related thought: What usually happens to those guy-girl friendships when one person ends up in a serious relationship? Often they drift apart because the truth is, once you find the person you are "supposed" to be with, all those other friendships suddenly seem unnecessary. Thus supporting your theory that no matter how we try to kid ourselves, opposite sex friendships are often about false security. Wow, this is so long I should just paste it onto my blog as a post:)
So how many times have you seen "When Harry met Sally"?
Amy,
I'm glad to have stumbled upon your blog after stumbling upon Julie's and following links [I sometimes get link-clicking happy when reading blogs]. I look forward to making more frequent stops here!
i've actually never seen "When Harry Met Sally"...surprising, I know. Thanks for reading and responding, everyone!!!
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