becoming aware...

Have you ever looked at a picture of yourself and suddenly been aware of a certain mannerism, facial expression, or other habit that you have? My old roommate Stephanie has endearingly labeled one of my facial expressions as the "Amy face"; but until she said something, I never realized that every time I went to take a goofy picture, I was making the same face. There have been other times where I've looked at pictures and had rather unpleasant observations--my posture could use some improvement, my hair is never straightened enough in the back.

But there's something deeper than physical awareness of what we look like, and that is a spiritual awareness of our own pride. What I look like in a photograph has very little significance in the grand scheme of things. Pride, however, roots itself in our human nature; causing every action, every word, every thought, to be influenced by the heightened view of ourselves. It's something that we often don't see unless we take a close examination, but very rarely do we take the time to do this.

Maybe it's exactly what we NEED to do.

We are aware of the actions we call sin. When we disobey, we know we are disobeying. When we lie, we know we are lying. When we lust, we know we are lusting. When we covet, disrespect, cheat, pervert...we know those things as wrong. As people who want to be viewed as right, we attempt to eliminate these actions from our lives. In our attempts to eliminate, we often, as the songwriter Derek Webb writes: "trade sins for others that are easier to hide." Why is this? Is it because we are missing the core of what is really behind each of these actions?

I lived many years as a Christian blind to the reality of pride--it's not as easy as making an observation from a photograph. And when I finally recognized the ways in which it had manifested in my life, I attempted to cover it up to those who could see it. If you've ever done this, you know that it's impossible. Days where I thought I was being "humble" were met with moments when I was more aware of another's pride than I was of my very own; which is the blinding nature of pride, to see others and judge their lack of humility.

The Christian life is more than the effort to eliminate "public" sin. I am not suggesting that our actions do not matter. But instead of trying to manipulate the perfection of ourselves, we should be becoming ever increasingly aware of our inadequacy to transform ourselves.

We put SO much effort into avoiding moments in which our pride is exposed for the world to see. What if we put that much effort into claiming our own depravity and a need for Jesus Christ to rescue us from being a slave to sin? Would our lives truly then be a testimony of the transforming work He wants to complete in each one of us?

This awareness of our pride--the fact that we satisfy our desires before our neighbors, slander our brothers and sisters in order to gain worth in the eyes of others, critically judge those who do not live like we do--is a call to humility. It shows us our true need for a Savior. It is He that eliminates sin, not us. We have no power outside of His if we've surrendered our life to Him.

blast from the past

OK friends...I'm not too sure who reads this blog, so consider yourself fortunate that I am actually sharing this information:) For those of you who have only known me for a year and a half (everyone in Louisville), this may be more humorous. But for all of you, it's a lesson learned on how NOT to document your life online so you won't be completely embarrassed when you find your online journal a few years later. 

She only knew one song...

This was a website I created when I was a senior in high school and carried it through my sophomore year in college. I'm still actually rather impressed with my basic knowledge of HTML (the pictures and links pages don't work anymore, and i never actually finished the site...oh well). I was OBSESSED with Switchfoot, so everything is based around lyrics to their songs. My online journal contains some, uh...interesting things! Let's just say I was definitely boy crazy, a little too postmodern, and probably the most random person you'd ever met.

Arizona's caught me by surprise...

This one's a little less embarrassing...it's my journal from when I lived in AZ, for the most part. After skimming both of these sites, I've come to the realization that I've grown up a lot.

Magnifying Magnets

Just for fun, this was my first published article!

influential?

A couple of weeks ago, I had one of those Sundays where I really didn't feel like going to church. If it wasn't for my good friend Renee, I probably wouldn't have...but because I have a hard time saying no to anything, I went with her. The weekend's sermon was on parenting young children, and since I have no children, I assumed that it wouldn't apply to me. Usually, I'm the one who tries to convince people that everything can be applicable, but even I couldn't convince myself that listening to this sermon would be more beneficial than a few extra hours of sleep.

We've all been there...and we've all been proven wrong when we walk away from the very thing we didn't want to do with a new perspective on what it means to be a follower of Christ. This was no exception. I walked away after listening to a message on raising Godly kids with so many questions:

--How do I attempt to influence people?

--Does my influence bring fame to Christ?

--Am I motivated to be an influential leader because of the glory God receives?

--How do I measure my success as an influential leader?

As I started to evaluate my honest answers to these questions, I realized that many of them were rooted in pride.

There were 2 lies that I could immediately identify that I had bought into. First was the lie that doing all of the right actions would make people look up to me. Maybe you're like me...you realize this isn't the truth, but for some reason, you keep attempting to make it work by getting involved in all the "right" things, mostly because of obligation. The problem with this approach is that it isn't focused on transformation...it's just an attempt to get as many people to live their life the way you live yours because you have things, for the most part, together.

The second lie is closely tied with something I love, and that is language. Perfectly crafted sentences are beautiful to me. But sometimes, this strength of mine can become a stumbling block. It's like trying to discover which key on the ring will unlock the door you are standing in front of. If I explain myself perfectly, and it doesn't automatically result in the response I had hoped for, I will try again...and again...and again. And the problem with this is that I give MY words too much power and focus very little on letting the Spirit speak through me.

Both of these lies are rooted in pride; in the fact that at the end of the day, I evaluate my success as a leader on whether a person did what I wanted them to or not. But the work of advancing the Kingdom is about denying yourself. It's about being humble and not demanding attention or praise, but pointing all things back to the Creator. To be influential, as a Christian, is to walk closely with God. It's to boldly speak of what He has done, and what He continues to do in your life. It's to study His Word and let His wisdom flow from your lips. It's living with joy in all circumstances and speaking the truth in love and reconciling relationships and following through with commitments.

At the end of the day, these things are far simpler than trying to manipulate an image of yourself that has the appearance of perfection. Humility is far more attractive to those God has given you the honor of leading.

cherish innocence

This is my girl Susie. I met her more than 3 years ago when I first moved to the Rez. She is just one of the many children in the world that have been exposed to the harsh reality of this world at such a young age. I will never forget the faces of the children that came in and out of the foster home; I would have done anything to restore their innocence. 

Susie taught me about what it means to have a living hope for those who need to know His love in a very real way--especially children. Lately, God has placed a call on my heart to pray for and support a ministry in Cambodia that helps girls who have been victims of slavery and prostitution towards freedom and rehabilitation. Check out Rapha House's blog. 

awe & wonder

I was created to be in awe. 

Somewhere between waking up in the morning and falling asleep at night, despite the discouragements and the demands of the day, past the routines and the requirements that are expected of us...I want to know the wonder of serving Christ.

Have you ever lost that wonder? 

I have. For awhile, I didn't even know that it was gone. And when I knew it was gone, I didn't know what had stolen it, or when I had lost it. One thing's for certain though--there's a lot of things you can fake in life, but knowing the wonder of serving Christ is not one of them. 

It doesn't take a long examination to see what keeps our human nature from seeing the fullness of God. A writer much greater than myself (Martin Buber) has said that our culture creates an eclipse of God. It does not destroy God, but we cannot see the brightness of His light when we are constantly bombarded by that which is contrary to the nature of God.

In John 5, Jesus calls out those who "diligently study the Scriptures, but yet refuse to come to me to have life." The life He is referring to is eternal life. There are numerous stories in the Gospels where Jesus continually redefines the idea of what it means to have life. Obviously, the people He's talking to are alive, in the sense that their heart is beating and they have breath in their lungs. But they don't have eternal life--they don't know the awe that comes with following Christ.

Later in the book of John, we see Jesus pray, "Father, the time has come. Glorify your son, that your Son may glorify you. For you granted him authority over all people that he might give eternal life to all those you have given him. Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent."

Eternal life is not something we gain at our death. Eternal life is something we are called to now, because eternal life is knowing God. If you've ever spent time imagining what Heaven will be like, you've probably imagined a world without the things that distract us from the presence of God. The thing is, we are called to start living without those distractions today. Because on this very day, God continues to do His redemptive work in our world.

What is it that keeps you from understanding that God is who He says He is? What is it that distracts you from knowing God, from hungering and thirsting for His Word, from knowing that He is alive and moving?

In light of what Jesus tells us eternal life is, this gives me a whole new perspective on Philippians 3, where Paul writes, "But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ--the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead."

Paul is describing eternal life. Eternal life is losing all things that compete with my love for Christ. Eternal life is no longer striving to attain a righteousness of my own. Eternal life is sharing in Christ's sufferings. Eternal life is waking up every day in awe of the fact that life has been given to you, and going to bed at night in wonder that God chose to use you as a part of His redemptive work in this world. And when that is found, I pray that it is something you never lose.

(This is one of the many entries I hope to have as a result of walking through The Truth Project this summer...so credit goes to Dr. Del for inspiring me.)

bears. beets. battlestar galactica.

Because I love top 10 lists (and lists in general), you will see them incorporated into my blog from time to time when I need something to write about that doesn't require too much thought. 

So...in honor of the laughter my own office often brings to me, I've decided to provide you with my top 10 favorite episodes of The Office. Enjoy!

10. The Initiation 

"I think we can get a lot done, don't you? On paper, at least. And we are, after all, a paper company. Are we not, are we not, are we not? Are you with me, are you with me? Thank you very much."

9. Fun Run

"It was on company property, with company property. So, double jeopardy, we're fine."

8. Email Surveillance

"I'm looking for my doctor. He's a tiny midget."

"BOOM! Agent Michael Scorn!"

7. Safety Training

"I saved a life...my own. Am I a hero? I can't really say...but yes."

6. Beach Games

"It's pretty simple. Look at what I'm doing and go tell somebody it!"

5. Conflict Resolution

"And the answer is...make the poster into a t-shirt! Win-win-win."

4. Office Olympics

"Question: Where can I put my terrarium?"

3. The Negotiation

"I made one tiny mistake. I wore women's clothes."

2. The Dundies

"...And we heard Michael change the lyrics to a number of classic songs, which for me, has ruined them for life."

1. The Injury

"He grew into a man overnight. A rare disability. It still works."

anger, facebook, and Ephesians 3:20-21

This summer, my discipleship group is going through The Truth Project. Pretty intense stuff...and I'll be sure to write all about what I'm learning this time through. But a couple of weeks ago, we took a break from the in-depth worldview study, and watched Rob Bell's "Store" Nooma. It's one of my favorites.

In the lesson, Rob Bell talks about what it means to have a holy anger. Our anger is usually rooted in selfishness, therefore manifesting itself in unhealthy and sinful ways. But there are things worth getting angry about. Often times, we are encouraged to label what we enjoy in order to direct us towards some sort of purpose in the future. But it is also a valid question to examine what makes us angry in the world...

There are many things worth fighting for that are part of a larger cause. In my own life, that which makes me angry directly correlates with an experience I've had where God has allowed me to see something outside of myself. 

I'm angry about the lack of hope there is for the poor after witnessing life on the reservation, where people seemed to be trapped in a life of fear and despair since they have no resources to help them out of their current situation. 

I'm angry about the genocide that is happening in our country and the injustice against those who have not yet been born ever since the first conversation I had with someone on a college campus after being trained with Justice for All.

I'm angry about the fact that every night when I go to bed, Milton (my Compassion child in Kenya) has to wake up in  a world where his family is dying from AIDS.

I want to be a part of bringing the peace of God to each one of these situations. But there's something else that has been currently making me mad. And this is in no way on the same scale as any of the other things I've listed above. But there's still something I can do about it. 

Poor communication makes me angry. One place that I particularly see this is online. My heart breaks for people who are more transparent and vulnerable on their facebook page than they are in a one-on-one conversation with someone. It hurts me to see people seek gratification and approval in the form of facebook comments.

It's easy for me to get a negative attitude about this. So instead of letting my anger manifest into complaining, God has challenged me to think about the ways I can be a part of His redeeming work in our culture. I've made it my goal to pray through all of my facebook friends. 

I'm excited for the story from an old friend about how God is working in their life. I'm excited for the acquaintance that I'll get to know better through this. I'm excited to see the power found in the name of the Lord impact a life that needs encouragement. I'm also excited to see how I change as I learn more and more what it means to celebrate the discipline of prayer for those I am called to love.

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever. Amen!"

much love: summer 08

My sister means more to me than any person in the world, and I am so honored that she would choose to come and live with me for the summer. Every day is a celebration of the life transformation we have seen each other through, and I'm incredibly fortunate to call her family.

it's a trend...

People always try to claim that they aren't trendy. The thing is, it's trendy "not to be trendy." It's kind of like the people who try to convince you that they "aren't addicted" to smoking and that they could quit anytime...the more they attempt to defend themselves, the less likely you are to believe them. I once was a person that claimed not to like "trendy" things, until I realized I was being trendy in the process...which then just made me lame. So now, I embrace my trendiness.

The radio is a great way to learn what's trendy. It's trendy to talk about how high the gas prices are. And it's beneficial to know what's trendy to talk about, just in case you get stuck with nothing to say in a conversation. Because noise is trendier than silence in our society, you'll be better off talking about the trendy topic compared to the awkwardness of talking about nothing.

Listening to the radio is trendy too. And I hate it (the radio, not the fact that listening to it is trendy), but still I listen to it. Since I only live exactly 2.1 miles away from where I work, I rarely ever take the time to listen to my ipod or a CD. I'm not complaining--with the price of gas the way it is (here I go being trendy...), I consider myself fortunate to save money on the commute to work. Maybe I should buy a bike...then I would fit in with all those trendy environmentalist that talk about how "green is the new black"...someone should inform them that this is a rather trendy phrase.

Remember when listening to the radio was cool? One day in 6th grade, I arrived at school in the morning, and everyone was talking about how the local radio station was off the air the night before like it was the most monumental event in the history of the world. Up until this point in my life, I had never really dedicated much time to listening to the radio (except when my dad would listen to the oldies station in the car); but after "the day in which I had nothing to add to the conversation about WBNQ's radio blackout", you can bet I listened to the radio every day for the rest of my junior high career. I even called in to request songs.

But in your 20s, people start claiming that they never listen to the radio. Which is probably a trendy claim to make. It confuses me though, especially when I go to sporting events and a song like "Hot in Herre" (made popular in the summer of 2002 by Nelly) comes on, and everyone knows the words. Now I know they don't own the CD (or maybe they do...which is a whole other issue). How are they singing along? I think more people listen to the radio than they like to admit.

But just remember...I don't like watching Oprah and I don't own any clothes from Abercrombie & Fitch and I don't use any instant messaging programs and I don't drink Starbucks coffee. but i may occasionally write with no capitals and excessively use ellipses...and have a guitar...sitting in the corner...of my room...even though i rarely play it...

"the beginning" i suppose

I was sitting at a hibachi grill "that will change your life" (or so it's 

been said...), and in between conversation about mixed martial arts 

and ninja warriors, Ben and Chris motivated me (through song and 

dance...or something like that) to start a blog. They're not the first to mention it, though. Although I'll go ahead and give them partial 

credit. They need it.

The problem is that my over-analytical nature doesn't allow me to write anything quickly. It takes me forever to construct even a single sentence. If you were to see how many times I deleted and rewrote the previous 2 sentences, you'd probably go crazy. And in between this sentence and the last, there was about a five minute window where I got distracted by some statistics on Randy Johnson's career number of strikeouts...

I am a writer. My thoughts appear in my mind like words on a page. I love telling stories. I find it easy to talk about myself. They say that writers are quite possibly the most narcissistic people in the world. I've never claimed to be an example of great humility, so that may occasionally be true of myself. 

But my writing doesn't usually come out of a self-love. Rather, it's a reminder of my humility. When I kept a blog in high school and college, I would occasionally go back and read my earlier posts. And it was like looking at an old photograph album. I couldn't believe how young I sounded...how much I thought I had the world figured out, when in reality I had very little discovered. It was always tempting to delete these posts and start fresh. I didn't find it very enjoyable to have my imperfection displayed for everyone to go back and read. 

There's something beautiful about a person who is fully aware of their imperfection. Perhaps this is because imperfection is real. We see it everywhere--in our family, in our church, in our world. And somehow, we always react as though we are surprised by it. We're always talking about people's mistakes as though it is shocking news. "Do you know what he did?" "Can you believe what she said?" To assume that worldly things will be perfect is believing a lie...and psychologically speaking, that defines you as insane.

I want to be a person that knows that imperfection is reality, both in myself and those that I am called to serve. Because when I realize my own imperfection, I recognize my desperate need for a love that transcends our humanity and a grace that is given to us despite the fact we rarely have things figured out like we think we do.

your sister,

Amy