I may have set myself up for failure on this one. Typically, I write about things I feel as though I have a good grasp on. But I can't say as though I'm anywhere near being an expert on this next entry. However, I feel as though this topic is important, and I've already built up anticipation by telling you that I'd be writing about it. So, for the sake of honesty and vulnerability, here are my humble thoughts.
It is a great challenge to learn how to have a healthy dating relationship. It is another great(er--at times) challenge to learn how to have healthy friendships with those of the opposite sex. And how you conduct yourself in friendships with the opposite sex matters. Most of these entries are based off the different roles God has given men and women--this one is devoted to the same calling that has been placed on both genders: to be people of integrity and high character. This is what marks true biblical manhood and womanhood.
I'm not going to tell you whether "guys and girls CAN be friends" or "guys and girls CAN'T be friends." Here's what I will tell you: sometimes it's easy to fool ourselves. Sometimes it's easy to think that we are fooling others. Either way, we're just being foolish. The following list was made in an effort to promote wise living:
Six warning signs that you aren't "just friends":
1. If you are waiting for time to change your relationship.
Someone isn't "just friends" with someone else if they are secretly wishing that the person they are "just friends" with will someday want to be more than "just friends." I'm all for building dating relationships on the foundation of a solid friendship, but I also know that it's easy to cling to rather insignificant "signs" that keep your hopes up while the other person doesn't even realize what they are doing.
2. If you haven't had a conversation about the state of your friendship/relationship/friend-lationship(?).
Obviously, the best resource you have in helping define the state of your relationship is the other person involved--not your best friend or nosy co-worker. The healthiest thing you can do for yourself is ask for clarification, even if it may be awkward; because without it, you have nothing to go on (let's face it, your best friend will tell you exactly what you want to hear, which doesn't make he/she a very reliable source). And after the conversation, make sure your actions dictate the verdict...easier said than done in some cases.
3. If you can't be friends with their significant other.
If the person you are "just friends" is, or starts, dating someone else, it's a true test of your "just friend"-ness. If you can't befriend the person your friend is dating, then there's going to be a problem...and you probably weren't "just friends" with them in the first place.
4. If the sheer number of your friends of the opposite sex outweighs your friends of the same sex.
You know what I've always found interesting? There's a lot of guys who claim, "I have always been better friends with girls." And there's a lot of girls who claim, "I just relate better to guys." Uh...anyone else see a problem with this? I'm going to make a bold statement by saying that a lot of young people who claim this find their security in these relationships. "Not liking drama" is not a reason for girls to have very few friends of the same sex--according to the popularity of the above statement, there's other girls who feel the very same way. And feeling like you can "be more open" with girls does not give guys an excuse to put no effort in building up friendships with other men.
5. If the information you disclose is not equivalent to your other friendships.
I'm mainly talking to my girls on this one, because women tend to manipulate words to gain emotional comfort. Examine what your motivations are in sharing what you do with your guy friends. If you can't, or don't take the effort to, share the same with another girl, it's probably not appropriate. And guys--knowing that girls have a tendency to do this, do your best to guard yourself against these situations.
6. If you've dated them.
No explanation needed. If you've attempted it, you know what I'm talking about. If you haven't, just take our word for it.
8.14.2008
myths on dating // "you complete me."
This blog is short and sweet (it's rare that I use this few of words to share my view on something, so enjoy it!). Although it is a rather romantic idea to have one person "complete" another one, it's not the truth.
There are a few dangers present in this thought. First, it takes away from the focus of the work Christ does in us when we receive the Spirit (check out Colossians 2 for a description).
Second, even though men and women have opposites, they are still complete people independent from each other. If you believe otherwise, you'll find yourself waiting until you get married to start your life. Opposites can attract--but in the end, it doesn't mean that you have "completed" yourself if you find someone whose strength is your weakness. Similarities are sometimes underrated in relationships, but for long-term success, they need to be present.
And third, as a single man or a single woman, you are just as complete as if you were married. The church doesn't always do a good job of telling you that, and for that I sincerely apologize. Your worth is not found in another person, but in Christ--so live that out!
So just because Renee Zellweger fell in love with Tom Cruise in "Jerry Maguire" over this line doesn't mean it works in real life...and I think we've all learned that just because Tom Cruise says something doesn't mean it's very valid (for further evidence, search his name on YouTube).
There are a few dangers present in this thought. First, it takes away from the focus of the work Christ does in us when we receive the Spirit (check out Colossians 2 for a description).
Second, even though men and women have opposites, they are still complete people independent from each other. If you believe otherwise, you'll find yourself waiting until you get married to start your life. Opposites can attract--but in the end, it doesn't mean that you have "completed" yourself if you find someone whose strength is your weakness. Similarities are sometimes underrated in relationships, but for long-term success, they need to be present.
And third, as a single man or a single woman, you are just as complete as if you were married. The church doesn't always do a good job of telling you that, and for that I sincerely apologize. Your worth is not found in another person, but in Christ--so live that out!
So just because Renee Zellweger fell in love with Tom Cruise in "Jerry Maguire" over this line doesn't mean it works in real life...and I think we've all learned that just because Tom Cruise says something doesn't mean it's very valid (for further evidence, search his name on YouTube).
8.09.2008
myths on dating // "it's going to take a great man to earn my respect"
Maybe you know the girl I used to be. You know, the girl who claims that "girls can do anything guys do", the girl who sees it as justice to fight for women to be considered "equals" among men in all fields, the girl who glories in her independence. I know these girls because I was one.
I suppose it all started with good intentions. I didn't want to be a person who waited until they got married to start their life, so I set ambitions for myself and went out to achieve them. And there's nothing wrong with women being successful--please don't miss that. But I had bought into a philosophy that fails to see that there are specific roles that have been uniquely assigned to men and uniquely assigned to women.
There's a problem in our society, and it can be summed up like this: simply put, we're masculinizing women and feminizing men. And this can manifest into something very ugly, even in the church. I got it wrong for many years, now I'm passionate about helping people get it right. There is an urgency to live this out--and it is the very thing that is under attack in our culture today.
I developed the "it's going to take a great man to earn my respect" attitude as a result of this incorrect philosophy. Now, before I go any further--it's not as though I've thrown all standards out the window. My problem with the statement is more about the underlying philosophy behind it than the statement itself. This attitude creates a woman who sits on her throne, expecting men to jump through hoops of fire to impress her.
We've missed the fact that, as women, we are to be a helper suitable to men (Genesis 2), designed to be an encourager and supporter. Therefore, even in the church, we struggle to find men who are leaders, but have plenty of women who complain about that very fact. I wonder if woman are partially to blame for this problem. I wonder if we would begin to see men feel empowered to lead when women begin to speak words of affirmation into the lives of the men around them. As rare as it may seem to find a man who leads, it may be just as rare to find a woman who respects men the way she ought to.
For my ladies reading this (I'll get to the guys in a second), if you take away only one thing I write in this post, remember this: You were created with the desire to submit (I don't care if you like or loathe that word, it's the truth). Some of us deny that desire, for whatever reason. It may be your past or your personality, but sometimes we create an economy of respect where people attempt to buy and sell this rare currency at a high price. Disrespecting men who love the Lord and refusing to submit is to deny who we were created to be.
And guys, realize that you were made to be respected, and a woman should do nothing less. Don't settle for a seemingly "great girl" if she doesn't have admiration for who you are, if her words and actions aren't filled with encouragement and support. If you are a man following after the heart of God, you deserve a helper suitable; a woman who makes you a better leader because of her words.
This goes far beyond dating, like I said in my previous post. I'm not asking women to submit to every man like he's her husband, and I'm not demolishing the expectations for men to step up and be great leaders. I suppose this post is more for the women than the men who read my blog, but I leave you with this: know that God created purpose in gender, and to deny that is to live foolishly as the world does. Help each other become the great men and women who advance the kingdom by becoming who they were created to be.
I suppose it all started with good intentions. I didn't want to be a person who waited until they got married to start their life, so I set ambitions for myself and went out to achieve them. And there's nothing wrong with women being successful--please don't miss that. But I had bought into a philosophy that fails to see that there are specific roles that have been uniquely assigned to men and uniquely assigned to women.
There's a problem in our society, and it can be summed up like this: simply put, we're masculinizing women and feminizing men. And this can manifest into something very ugly, even in the church. I got it wrong for many years, now I'm passionate about helping people get it right. There is an urgency to live this out--and it is the very thing that is under attack in our culture today.
I developed the "it's going to take a great man to earn my respect" attitude as a result of this incorrect philosophy. Now, before I go any further--it's not as though I've thrown all standards out the window. My problem with the statement is more about the underlying philosophy behind it than the statement itself. This attitude creates a woman who sits on her throne, expecting men to jump through hoops of fire to impress her.
We've missed the fact that, as women, we are to be a helper suitable to men (Genesis 2), designed to be an encourager and supporter. Therefore, even in the church, we struggle to find men who are leaders, but have plenty of women who complain about that very fact. I wonder if woman are partially to blame for this problem. I wonder if we would begin to see men feel empowered to lead when women begin to speak words of affirmation into the lives of the men around them. As rare as it may seem to find a man who leads, it may be just as rare to find a woman who respects men the way she ought to.
For my ladies reading this (I'll get to the guys in a second), if you take away only one thing I write in this post, remember this: You were created with the desire to submit (I don't care if you like or loathe that word, it's the truth). Some of us deny that desire, for whatever reason. It may be your past or your personality, but sometimes we create an economy of respect where people attempt to buy and sell this rare currency at a high price. Disrespecting men who love the Lord and refusing to submit is to deny who we were created to be.
And guys, realize that you were made to be respected, and a woman should do nothing less. Don't settle for a seemingly "great girl" if she doesn't have admiration for who you are, if her words and actions aren't filled with encouragement and support. If you are a man following after the heart of God, you deserve a helper suitable; a woman who makes you a better leader because of her words.
This goes far beyond dating, like I said in my previous post. I'm not asking women to submit to every man like he's her husband, and I'm not demolishing the expectations for men to step up and be great leaders. I suppose this post is more for the women than the men who read my blog, but I leave you with this: know that God created purpose in gender, and to deny that is to live foolishly as the world does. Help each other become the great men and women who advance the kingdom by becoming who they were created to be.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
_7.JPG)